Marmalade. Nope, not for me.

In my quest to be open to new things I have made a discovery. 

I do not like Marmalade.

The Farmer and Master six however do.  So they will be well pleased with the my efforts and Great Grandma would have thought I was mad, but loved the idea of it!  Am open to orders for Christmas?!  Let me know!

Marmalade from the book: The Kindness of Strangers – Kitchen Memoirs

by Shonagh Koea

 six large grapefruit

four lemons

12 cups of water

12 cups of sugar

Slice the grapefruit and lemons as finely as you can, after washing the fruit carefully.  Cover the sliced fruit with the water and leave overnight.  The following day bring this mixture to the boil and boil for twenty minutes.  Remove the jam pan from the heat and stir in the sugar, bring the mixture quickly to the boil after that and boil it for thirty minutes.  At this stage you can start testing it to see if it will set.  I used to put a spoonful in a saucer and leave it for a minute ot two to see if a skin would form on it but after several years of my using this not overly reliable method, an elderly lady I knew told me a very handy trick.  It had been passed on to her by her mother.  She said to dip an ordinary silver or stainless steel tablespoon into the mixture and then hold it horizontally over marmalade so you are looking at the wide inner face of the spoon.  When the marmalade drips off the lower edge in two separate places simultaneously the marmalade is ready to be put in the jars.  It sometimes takes much longer than the thirty minutes’ boiling time to accomplish this but it is a very reliable method, I have found.

Janes' review:

1; being a sucky flop 2;definitely do this one again  3; being add to your repertoire immediately

Taste: Personally - icky icky yuk, however Master E loves it!  So it would be a 1 for me, but that just confirms my dislike for Marmalade, personal taste!

Ease: Not bad, had a moment regarding it setting but no prob in the end

Irrational thinking.

So lying in bed last night I had a bit of a freak out moment.

It was irrational really.  Came from no where in particular but really made me panic.

What would happen if our house fell down in an earthquake at night.  If I was pinned down under the rubble that was our roof.  I couldn't move and could hear the children calling out, needing me.  Given as I have got older my claustrophobic fears are considerably worse than in my youth this alone was enough to give me heart palpation's.  But the idea of my kids needing me, being hurt and not being able to help them was horrific.

It got me thinking about lots of awful things (which I won't go in to) and having an understanding of why parents don't ever want to outlive their kids.

Now this is something that if you dwelt on would totally send you over the edge.  Literally.  And if we lived with this type of irrational thinking on a day to day basis you would never let your kids do anything.  Probably would home school them, never let them out of your sight - firmly wrap them in cotton wool.

The problem with thinking about this type of thing is you end up missing the moment completely. 

And there is someone very dear to me, that inadvertently, is worried about such things in another way.  Worried that there will be too much stuff for her family to sort/clear out/get rid off when she's gone.  Irrational? Yes. Why? Because she will live to a ripe old age, enough to drive us all crazy.  A rest home in Invercargill or better still Raetihi would mean we won't have to clear out all that stuff anyway.  (Ha!)

So why is it we worry about things that have yet to happen?  Worry about things that we can't control?  I'm guessing human nature, perhaps the control freak part of us and actual fear of it happening.

The important thing to remember about irrational thinking, is it's just a thought.  And if we lend our minds to these things they can consume you.

Every day is a fresh start.  It's time do, live, experience and enjoy. 

This morning when I woke up to find Master 6 snuggled in bed I hugged him like there was no tomorrow.  Maybe there is a tomorrow, and maybe there isn't.  I'm not going to worry about that right now.  I'm going to make a train track with Miss 3 and live for right now.

Another recipe......but the jury is out.

So i'm not sold on this one.  Make it as it took no time at all, to take out for morning tea but I'm thinking I should have gone for brownie (gee I wonder why I can't lose weight.....)

Russian Shortbread from the book: The Kindness of Strangers – Kitchen Memoirs

by Shonagh Koea

125 grams of butter

100 grams of sugar (I prefer brown sugar)

One tablespoon of golden syrup

One egg

225 grams of sifted flour

A cup of sultanas

One rounded teaspoon of baking powder

Put the butter, sugar and golden syrup in a saucepan and melt carefully.  When it is completely liquid cool the mixture for a few minutes and then beat in the egg, add the sifted flour, sultanas and baking powder.  Mix carefully, turn into a greased sponge roll tin and bake in a moderate over (about 160 degrees Celsius) for fifteen to twenty minutes.  The original recipe required it to be iced but I have never done this because I feel it would be just too much.

Janes' review:

1; being a sucky flop 2;definitely do this one again  3; being add to your repertoire immediately

Taste: 1 and half - not a flop but don't think I would do again

Ease: 2 very simple to chuck together

Kids and husband test - okay.

Overall, not a winner but not awful either.  Good if you don't have a sweet tooth....... I don't have a sweeth tooth, I have a mouthful of sweet teeth!

Goodbye dear friend

I know it's been coming for a while now.  The tension has been mounting between us and I can no longer go on this way.

I have always had a big mouth.  It's got me into trouble before, and has again.  I don't know quite how I can ever go back really.  And in a way I'm sorry. 

We've known each other for YEARS.  You have changed form a bit, but hey so have I.  You've helped me through my tough times, but I probably haven't helped you so much.  Yet you have never held it against me and for that I Thank you.

As my comfort, I'm not sure I can replace you.  However I can't see this is a healthy relationship anymore.

I need to change.

Really it's not you, it's me.

You realise the next time I see you in the supermarket, I will have to turn away, the pain of seeing you would be too much to bear. 

My dear dear friends, Chips and Dip, it's been wonderful but I have to let you go.  My arse is growing and the blame has to be shared between us.  I will be strong and won't forget all the good times together.

With love J

Going for Coffee

Daughter and Mother time.  Wicked.

We trekked off this morning, at 8.30, to go into town to have "coffees" along with doing a list of jobs.  It was girl time, big time.  And you know what I was immensely proud of my pink gumbooted, red tights wearing, star dress ensemble, Miss 3.  She was a super dooper helper.  She was far more grown up that her years, ordering her "coffee" (fluffy I mouthed desperately to the 12 year old serving us, in case she did actually make her a coffee) all by 'herself'.

And while she sat there, foamy chocolately goodness spreading over her some what angelic face I was thinking about how there was no one else in the world (okay maybe Johnny Depp) that I wanted to be sitting there with at that moment.  Astonishing.

I think there are a number of grown up people in the world who have forgotten the small pleasures of life.  Trust me on this one, it's my job to be thinking like a kid.  But it doesn't mean I'm not busy and that I don't have all the other responsibilities that go with 'adulthood' it just means that I can appreciate hanging with my daughter, skipping down an aisle of Kmart, singing full noise with the no idea of the words as my rockette partner chimes in with me and reading books on the couch using the maddest voices i can muster.  There is a whole lot of awesomeness (tee hee) to be had there if you can just find it.

Unfortunately I'm often faced with circumstances where I think "why do I bother".  And it's taken me a long time to realise it's who I am.  I will go back for more again and again because it's my nature.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a door mat, there are things you need to suck up for the big picture and today it dawned on me that part of the big picture is directly linked with my children.  So will forgo the dumb shit that comes along, that wears me out, drives me nutty and gets me wound up for the benefit of my kids....my kids who would make anyone smile, given half the chance.

Er, slight tangent, back to the point of the post - spending quality time (and I do mean quality time) with my farmyard princess today has been wonderful.  It's been a crazy time over the school hols and quality time with just MY kids, has been a little thin on the ground (remind me I said this I pretty sure there will be times I will want to build a tower and lock them in it) but the holidays are coming to an end and so I will grab my coffee moments and hold on to them. 

Thanks Miss 3.  You are the light of my life.

The stuff that just has to get done.....

Funny how it is that in the quiet of the evening you get "stuff" done.  But it someone amuses me that some members of the family (grown up male sorts) are oblivious to how these things get "done".

Must be the wee fairies...you know the ones, the vacuuming ones, the cleaning ones, the change the batteries, buy the Christmas presents, get the kids of to school ones - you know THOSE fairies.

Don't get me wrong I love the Farmer but he sometimes drives me to the verge of insanity (may have fallen off the edge and be hanging on by my un-manicured finger nails).  It's not that he doesn't appreciate it but he has no idea of the big picture.

Interestingly enough I am not alone in this boat. 

I have done extensive and exhaustive research on this subject matter (lots of wine consumed while bitching with girl friends) and we all agree that they don't understand the effort that goes into each and everyday. 

As I type the Farmer is sleeping.  I have at more work ahead of me getting things sorted for the rest of the week, such as what I will plan to do with the kids for the week, food (what we are going to eat, what needs to be brought from the supermarket - are you with me???), getting sheets out ready to strip beds tomorrow (feck knows when I'll get the sheets washed), doing the Internet banking and sorting the every growing pile of paper than emerges that seems to get left on the table.  And you might think are you mad it can wait til tomorrow....but tomorrow will be breakfast, washing (the fricken sheets), into town, library books, a couple of jobs, before whizzing back here to start my "paying job" til 5 - then cook tea, study, pack for me and Miss 3 to head off to the farm after work the next day, tidy house before people come over the following day and so it goes on.

Okay bitch and moan session over.  I am lucky to have the Farmer, but the Farmer is sure as shit EXTREMELY lucky to have me! 

The importance of friends

Having returned from a fun filled weekend away I am a little bit bummed today.  I like hanging out with my friends.  I don't seem to be able to do it often enough.  And although I had a wicked weekend away it was over FAR FAR FAR too quickly!

And the thing I find about going away on holidays is that all the things your leaving behind, the washing, vacuuming and the like are all still waiting when you return.  No magic fairies have visited and done the groceries, washed your windows or changed sheets.  It's like the short week really - it's 5 days worth of work crammed into 4.

On the upside the final of Harry Potter was done very very well and I enjoyed it, however now that it's over I feel like a long term relationship has come to a close.  I went shopping and brought stuff mainly for the kids and ate more than I should of (curse that hokey pokey covered in chocolate and those nasty chips and dip not to mention the calorie laden lemon meringue pie) - the only thing I didn't do was drink tooooo much.  Well  no more than usual! Ha!

Thankfully the weekend was full of laughter, jigsaw puzzle, talking and having fun.  And although it's now over and I a bit wound up with all I need to be doing my soul is recharged from hanging out with friends..  And I should consider myself very blessed as I had two other dear friends come to see me (out by the low snow here in the sticks!) and got to spend time with them.  Such is the importance of friends that although I don't see them often the times I do can carry me enough til the next holiday, coffee, phone call, email or visit.  My point really is this - good friends remind you to be kind to yourself, they lift you up, hug you when you fall and in between help you scoff back wine, chocolate or both!

I really should get out more.........

WICKED!  We are off today....road trip to scenic but freezing Taupo to hang out with friends for the day.  Highlights will include watching the final installment of Harry Potter, no kids, eating when and what we want, no kids, dinner out, no kids and then going to stay at an amazing home with more friends for a weekend of food, fun, laughs, a smidge of scrapbooking, more food and NO KIDS.

The fact that I'm so excited I could just PEE is totally ridiculous t but I can tell you one that I shouldn't be blogging I should be packing - so Ciao!

I'm over the gates

One of the pitfalls of rural living is having to open and close gates.  Especially at night, when there is stock in the yards so it adds an extra gate to open AND shut, and when you can feel the frost in your bones by the time you get to the third and final gate you are cold and O-V-E-R IT!

However tonight was a bit of an exception.  At the last gate, I looked up.  The clear night laid out the most beautiful night sky.  It was awash with diamonds, sparkling just for me.  So at that moment, I wasn't worried about the cold I just took a minute and drank it all in.

The Complicated Christmas Cake

As we are going away for a weekend in winter with 4 very special friends, we decided to call it a Mid winter Christmas break....thus I wanted to try out this recipe.  I did it in stages yesterday when small people were sleeping and big kids were playing nicely.  The smell while cooking was just lovely!  I've never been one for Christmas cake.  Not sure why.  I'm not fussed on cherries, perhaps scarred for life from eating at an early age in Christmas cake....who knows.  But I have a new appreciation for the amount of fruit and spices and yummy bits that make up a cake. 

And as tempted as I was last night to cut a slice to try I refrained.  I'm sure the pleasure i get from sharing it with the Farmer and my friends will be worth the wait.  And if it's a horrid disaster?  Drink more wine and laugh, alot.  Considering that is the programme for the weekend I'm sure it will all be fine.

The Complicated Christmas Cake from the book: The Kindness of Strangers – Kitchen Memoirs

by Shonagh Koea

 500 grams each of raisins, sultanas and currants

100 grams of crystallised cherries

100 grams of mixed peel

250 grams of butter

250 grams of sugar

A teaspoon of cinnamon

A teaspoon of ground ginger

Half a teaspoon of ground cloves

Half a teaspoon of grated nutmeg

Half a teaspoon each of vanilla, lemon and almond essences

Two teaspoons  of grated orange rind

Six eggs

350 grams of flour

Two to four tablespoons of orange juice

Wash the raisins, sultanas and currants and dry them in a warm oven.  Add the cherries and the mixed peel to the prepared fruit.   Line a 24-centimetre (nine inch) cake tin with two or three layers of paper and have it six or seven centimetres higher than the sides of the tin.  Cream butter and sugar, and mix in spices, essences and orange rind.  Add eggs one at a time and beat thoroughly after each addition.  Combine enough of the sifted flour with the dried fruit to coat it thoroughly and stir this into the creamed mixture with the orange juice and the remainder of the flour.  Slightly more flour may be needed depending on the quantity of orange juice.   Bake at 150 degrees Celsius for two hours and then 130 degrees Celsius for one and a half to two hours.  Note: This cake does not contain baking powder.

Review to come!  And it would be worth noting that I may have snuck a tablespoon of brandy in the cake, just cos I can!

Being Perfect.

From the start we need to be very clear about one thing.  I am a size 8, with amazing long luxurious hair, am fit, gorgeous, can wear killer heels all day, am the ultimate in motherhood, cook gourmet meals-daily, everyone loves me because I am the ultimate human being - in short I am perfect.

The perfect man would have to do such things as lock the front door before bed (it's a man responsibility to ensure his family is safe), be able to put together toys without cursing and getting shitty, would not leave little bits of food in the bottom of the sink, doesn't fart in bed, watch TV AND fold washing, remembers things that he's told, helps prepare and organise for trips away, put away the dishes and would take a general interest in the running of the household.  Of course he would also be smart, funny and reasonably good looking. 

So the smart, funny and reasonably good looking Farmer and I are going away for a couple of days - that is if he lasts the next couple of days.

Yours sincerely, the perfect woman.

Fear.

Shop and Go.  This is where you scan your own groceries and rock on up to the checkout, pay the nice lady (or gent) trundle off to the car, load up and go.

Or not.

You might get (foreboding music) the RE-SCAN.  This is when they think you've flogged a heap of groceries so are going to check on you (pretty sure that's it, not some automatic computer programme telling them to check you ever so innocently....).

So today, in a hurry, of course, I get the RE-SCAN.  Shopping with Master 6, first day of the school holidays, he was "helping"....driving the trolley into little old ladies, ploughing down small children and putting groceries into the trolley.....so at the mention of rescan I freeze, panic, look at the trolley - MOTHER OF GOD, I did scan them all??  How helpful was Master 6?!  Did he "help" by adding an extra bottle of wine for his wineo Mummy?  The fear of being caught stealing....the shame.......... 

So while the perfectly nice lady, who like Lady Justice held the balance of my morals over her conveyor belt, scanned my groceries, I sweated profoundly thinking of the phone call to the Farmer to come get me out from security department at the supermarket for my wrong doing......



Which of course was unnecessary as it was 100% correct and I instantly relaxed, confessed my fears of which she heartily laughed and said it's the same for her and I merrily went on my way. 

With an additional grey hair beginning to grow.

Recipe no 2 Fudge Cake

So a lunchtime visit from my parents and sister fresh back from holiday called for another trial of Shonagh Koea recipes.  I thought something quick was appropriate as I had a busy morning.  So I picked this Fudge Cake. 

Fudge Cake from the book: The Kindness of Strangers – Kitchen Memoirs

by Shonagh Koea

 200 grams of butter

one cup of sugar

one tablespoon of golden syrup

two tablespoons of cocoa

two cups of flour

two teaspoons of baking powder

a cup of dessicated coconut

Place the butter, sugar, golden syrup and cocoa in a saucepan and melt carefully, then allow to cool.   Add the flour, baking powder and coconut.  Mix well.  Press into a greased sponge roll tin and bake for fifteen minutes in a moderate oven (about 160 degrees Celsius).  Cut into fingers when cold.

Janes' review:

1; being a sucky flop 2;definitely do this one again  3; being add to your repertoire immediately

Taste: 2

it was a bit crumbly so perhaps (with butter being almost $4 a block) I was a bit light on butter

Ease: 2 - very quick and simple

Kids review: Master 6 - fantastic

Farmer review: Good - man of few words, sometimes!

This was a light finish to a nibbly lunch - we were all spolit with lovely treats from Americia!  Hoorah!

Although we were all very tired we decided to head out for some fresh air and excercise (usually a dirty word in my vocab).  Scooter packed for Master 6, bike and helmet for Miss 3 and we were off.  The buzz I got from a couple of hours of my family time was emmense.  Which made me think that perhaps my warning light saying I was due for a recharge was broken.

However it hasn't taken much to recharge my batteries.  Some fun with my kids, a night out with a girlfriend (wine and laughter works a charm), cooking, lunching with more girlfriends (sans kids) and being stripped back to what is it to be me again has worked wonders.

I highly recommend it.

Beautifully Simple

I was going to write a blog about how today was better than yesterday.  Than my head is in a better place and I'm going to relax this weekend.  But I couldn't find the right words so decided not to post anything at all.

But then I looked out the window and now would like to share the most beautiful thing I have seen today.  The moon is hanging low in the middle of the sky. It's glowing like the sun.  It's a creamy yellow colour and I would love to be able to capture it to my camera to share but my camera won't let me, or should I say I'm not clever enough to work out HOW to allow the camera to capture it.

My point is this. The day is over and sincerely the best part of my day today was seeing this beautiful moon.  I've found joy in walking in a paddock holding my daughters hand and hot toast.  Not to mention a hot cup of tea.  I'm potentially turning into a Nana by these things but so be it. 

Find the beautifully simple things in your day.

SIGGGGHHHHHHHH

OMG.

It has been a terrible terrible day.  I have doubted pretty much the whole line of work I'm in.  Over nothing specific. WTF am I doing?!!

And although that question has been rattling around in my head ALL FRICKEN DAY I'm no closer to finding the answer.

If I was due for my monthly that would be it, hormones.  But I'm not.  So what the heck is going on!?
It can't be just some bad behaviour from the kids, or the constant trashing of the house (occupational hazard) or the fact I have been snotted on, puked on and have no desire to clean anything up.  It's like my Mojo just got up and left.

COME BACK MOJO.

Like all bad days, this one will end - likely with a wine in hand.  Probably 2.  I think I'm just having an off day and that is bound to happen.  If I'm being kind to myself I would realise that what I do is hard work and I'm due for a break, not to mention have been sick and had sick kids and an absent farmer.  But when you are having this kind of day you aren't kind to yourself and you feel like poop.  So I will wallow for a bit, with the mentioned wine in hand and be a bunch of fluffies tomorrow.  Oh yes I will.

Oh go on try it.........or go to bed.

I have very reasonable kids.  They try most things.  In fact they have to.  It's the rules.

However when they are sick the rules go out the window.

So slaving over a hot stove for HOURS (or at least 20mins) was an entire waste of time for Miss 3.  "I'm hungry, I'm hungry" were the cries prior to the new recipe of the week - the delicious smelling Spanish Chicken Casserole being served up.  Nose turned up, bottom lip out and an ultimatum given.  It's this or bed.  She chose bed.  At 5.30.  The warning was given.  If she was to get up what would happen?  "Have to eat my tea" oh yes my darling you will.  Cold Spanish chicken casserole probably not so yum yum then baby girl.

Half an hour later the quiet (yet somewhat blocked up, snuffly) snores are echoing from her room. 

The phone rings, and it's the farmer.  I'm still an hour away.  Sucks to be him.  Cos if she's gonna wake at 3 and be hungry, I'm not dealing with it.....

Now to just get Master 6 (who incidentally ate ALL of his tea....and enjoyed it) to bed and then the night is mine!  Well at least for the next hour.

What I like.

Talking to a 4 year old yesterday and he said "I don't like me"...meaning himself.  Now I know he was being silly (you would have needed to see his facials to understand)  but we started a conversation about what we like.  So here's things I Like - about me and my life in my corner of the globe.

I like my smile.  It's genuine and I like to share it.
I like green grass and the wind in my hair.
I like food, everything about it - cooking, eating and sharing it.
I like being with my friends, they are the sunshine on my grey days and source of laughter and wisdom.
I like watching my friends and family achieving - whatever is important to them.
I like wearing skirts and don't do it enough, I like my calves!
I like organising things.  Sometimes however this can become a dislike!
I like to laugh, alot. 
I like playdough. 
Chocolate and wine. HELLO did I even need to mention that?
I like doing crafty things - scrapbooking and taking photos.
I like Johnny Depp, sigh, Johnny Depp......
I like being part of something that makes others happy.
Books.
I like surprises but sniff them out mostly.
I like Autumn.  And rainbows. 
I like lie ins with the rain on the window.
I like chips and dip.
Trying something new, and enjoying it.
I like Earl Grey Tea.
I like the colour red, and on me.
I like having long lunches and dinners. 
I like spending quality time with my family - playing cards, making memories.
Don't tell the farmer I like living in the country.
Reading in the sun.
Going out with my husband - just us, you know like on a date!
I like to travel however can't see any more international travel for a good while.  I don't like mortgages.
I love my son, daughter and husband.  And that is a whole different post altogether.

Now that I started this I could keep going but I won't - who wants to read what I like...perhaps you should make a list of your own!  It's incredibly satisfying. 

First recipe!

So today was the first of the recipes I'm attempting.  I was assisted by Miss 3 and one of my charges.  The smell in the house was AMAZING! 

Pianist’s Cake from the book: The Kindness of Strangers – Kitchen Memoirs

by Shonagh Koea

450 grams of sultanas

225 grams of butter (cut into pieces)

Three eggs

225 grams of sugar

300 grams of sifted flour

Three small teaspoons of baking powder

Two tablespoons of sherry (I omitted due to the age of children eating!!)

Put the sultanas in a saucepan with enough water to cover, and simmer for five minutes.  Strain the water off and toss the fruit over the pieces of butter in a bowl.  The hot fruit will melt the butter but it is sometimes best, particularly in the winter, to poke away at this mixture with a spoon sporadically to make the butter melt entirely.  In another bowl beat the eggs with the sugar and then mix this with the fruit and butter.  Add the sifted flour and baking powder.  I usually bake it in a nice round cake tin – but square is fine – that I have carefully lined with baking paper. It has to be cooked for about an hour and three quarters at 160 degrees Celsius.  When I take it out of the over I sprinkle a couple of tablespoons of sherry over it.

Janes' review:

1; being a sucky flop 2;definitely do this one again  3; being add to your repertoire immediately

Taste: It was off the scale for smell but was lovely and moist too - 3

Ease: Quick to put together takes a bit to cook but worth it - 3

Kid test: Double thumbs up Master 6; "Good" Miss 3 - 3

Husband test: "It's good" so for him a 2 perhaps. Boys. Honestly.

Oh how I love Sundays.....

The kids are painting, the farmer is farming and I am blogging.  It's a near perfect day.

Other than the fact I'm tired, the kids are tired and we are all varying stages of coughs and colds.  Never mind it's nice to be at home, going nowhere, and we can do whatever we please, basically.  What pleases me would be to go back to bed, with a book, a bit of quiet, hot cup of tea and if I fell asleep that would be just dandy.  POOF!  Wake up back to reality! HA!

Anyway speaking of books I am going to under take, starting this coming week, a bit of Julie and Julia-ness.  I am currently reading 'The Kindness of Strangers - Kitchen Memoirs by New Zealand Author Shonagh Koea.  I like the straightforward way she has written this book.  She recounts her life in a simple way allowing a look at the relationships she formed and some of the recipes she gathered along the way.  The is about 27 recipes in total and I would have to say some of them don't float my boat - 'Drip Stew' doesn't sound particularly delicious but perhaps that's part of why I'd like to try them.  I've never been one for Marmalade or Christmas Cake but if I don't try making them I mightn't ever get to really appreciate them. 

So that's my next project.  I'm not sure what order I will do them and in fact may make something today with the kids.  I will write the recipes on the blog just in case anyone is actually interested!  Won't that be exciting?!

Fricken Cold

Day one of a fricken cold (in fact day one and a half it started last night) and I'm grumpy.  Missing going to wine club with the girls (point to note it's just a general catch up with the common feature being we are all partaking in wine....certainly not as flash as it sounds....heaps of fun though!), feeling annoyed that not going - even though it is the best thing for me and if I don't stop blowing my nose I swear Greenpeace will knock down the door and growl me for using too many tissues....think of all the trees!

Grrr Colds suck.

Upside?  Nup, nadda, nothing, none.  There is no weight loss like you would get from a tummy bug.  There is no visable symtoms, the red nose could be from the cold or too much wine.  And there is no sympthay from the children who still expect you to run at 110%.  Which I am quite obviously not. 

The Farmer did do a mercy dash to the supermarket for softer tissues (sorry again Greenpeace), juice and of course the essential chocolate....well if i can't have wine I'm certainly going to have something!!

So how will this effect my weekend plans?  God damn it there will be no stopping me from anything I tell you!  I am determined to not miss a thing!  Unless I can get out of the cleaning that is......hmmmm cunning plan. 

And seeing as the Farmer jsut tells me that there was one thing he forgot from the supermarket (THE FRICKEN SOFT TISSUES) I will milk it for all it's worth!  Sniff Sniff.

My train of thought has left the building.......

.........so after my blog last night, and the study that followed, I began to think more about the Guilt issues and how I've dealt with them.

To be perfectly frank it has always dependant on my frame of mind!  How strong I've felt about something, if my monthly was due (!!), what level my self esteem was at and what the guilt issue was about - ie did someone who hasn't had kids pass judgement on me abstaining from all things deli in a quest to grow an healthy baby, was I being tooooo precious?!?   By and large I've been ruled by my emotions.  Therefore this dictates my ability to take one on the chin or turn into a weeping wreck reaching for the wine or phoning a friend.

However I would like to think that although I know I will get the guilt's that it's time to realise one important thing.  I am raising my children in a loving manner, thank you very much.  I will not always get it right.  I'm not perfect but shit no one is! HA!  What a revelation that puppy is!

The other thing that dawned on me (while I should have been sleeping)......I am not defined by my children. 

This for me is a totally profound statement.  I know this to be true but sometimes get caught up in all that is children, I lose sense of it.  I think I realised a couple of years ago when I started to scrapbook about me.
Which indeed has lots of lovely memories of things with the children but also celebrates my friends, achievements and acknowledges ME. 

When did I stop being who I am and someones wife and mother?  Probably back in the days of no sleep, fueled by the ideals of "being super mum" and trying to bloody hard to be all things to everyone.

For me that's the beauty of this blog, making it real for me by writing it down!  Once you say the words they all but disappear.  When you write it down it brings those thoughts and ideas that you know and believe in and makes them really real.  It confirms what you know and gives you a point to mark yourself at.

And look I know there will be times where I will be all consumed by other things and get side tracked but if I can focus on who I am, where I sit, my priorities, dreams, hopes and keep learning from that then I know I will be a better person for it.

PHEW! What a ramble!  Betcha I'm gonna sleep better tonight knowing THAT's off my chest!

Guilt

Dinner is going to be brought home by the Farmer.  The children are in front of the square box.  The house has been "tided" - well as much as is likely for the rest of the day.  And I'm having my 5 mins peace before locking myself away from the bedtime routine to study. I have to question my sanity at this moment in time.  I could use a wine and some feet up time but it's well worth it, long term, it's good for me, right?  Hmmm.  The wine does sound nice though. 

Focus....long term plan....it's worth it..........

I was reading the Little Treasures mag yesterday and saw an article on Guilt - the burden we carry from the moment we get pregnant.  Mothers guilt seems to be worse that fathers guilt - in fact I don't think there is such a thing as fathers guilt..... Anyway I could totally relate to the mothers in the article.  The juggling act is continuous.  I was told the other day that it was "easier" when your kids can talk.  Really?  There is always something and it doesn't matter where you are on the journey there are hard times and guilt.  The worse thing for me with my study is thinking I could have done things better...guilt!

If I worried too much, I would get more wrinkles, drink MORE wine and not be a fun person to be around.  There is only so much you can do and still be true to yourself.  Love your kids, treat them with respect and don't forget to live your life too.

On that happy note I'm going to study. 

SImple pleasures

Today turned out better than expected.

The plan was childcare.  My job.  Pays poorly but highly rewarding.  However the one child booked in today was sick so FREE DAY!  Whoo Hoo!  Not to diminish the poor child but really it's my blog so technically all about me..........to a degree! 

Other job today, Groceries.  Necessary evil.  Made enjoyable by coffee in town with a friend.  Mooching in a couple of shops while I should have been grocery shopping.  Naughty but fun.

I feel kind guilty I didn't spend the day studying, cleaning or a bit of both.  But what price does one put on a catch up?  And considering one of my goals was to catch up, then I should think of it as a job well done!

Had a preseason game of Rugby tonight, the Magpies vs.... well in fact it wasn't memorable enough to remember whom but we were winning when we left and we left WELL after the children's bedtime for a school night.  A nice simple pleasure - pizza for tea, thanks to the sponsors - which = NO DISHES!!

And speaking of simple pleasures that make you smile: I took some pics on a recent trip to Wellington, to visit very dear friends, of some lights in a remodelled cinema.  They totally caught my eye and have recently framed them and hung them in the hall - not sure what I like more.....the pictures or the memory of a fantastic weekend away with friends.  Either way I'm very happy!

A touch of frost

The down side of a cold morning is getting out of bed...but when you get up and see the beautiful white layer around you it's hard not to appreciate it.  It seems so clean, fresh, like a new start. 

Taking this photos (with a number of layers on!) made me think that the whole place was covered in diamonds.  I guess it's all about your point of view! 

 

Sunday sloth

I am still in my PJ's and it's 3.20.  Whats more I don't care that I'm still in my PJ's at 3.20. 

I woke this morning with a sore back, sore head and sore feet.  I can attribute the head and back as perhaps a cold but the feet, that's any ones guess.  Needless to say I've not felt particularly chipper most of the day.  Thankfully the Farmer (eventually) took the children out of the bed room for breakfast and I lapsed back into sleep.  He brought me a cuppa and pulled the curtains some time after 9.30, after which you would assume I would bound out of bed with a new zest for life.  Not so much.

Head, back and feet still aching I got up.  He took Master 6 to do farm duties and Miss 3 hung about with me.  I felt like someone was holding the slow motion button on me today.  And I have to say that it wasn't from a large, leary night on the wine.  Pity. 

Toast and a batch of scones later I felt marginally better.  But still a bit off. 

The boys had come in for smoko but headed back out to build our raised gardens.  Incidentally they were my superb idea to make out of old fruit bins, stolen from a garden down the road!  The Farmer thought it was a silly idea until he saw at one of his work mates houses, then suddenly it's cool.  Go figure.  I digress.

So with Miss 3 doing a jigsaw at my feet I sat on the couch in the sun.  Asleep within minutes.  Woken occasionally by Miss 3 "looking after" me.  Eventually she tired of that and went outside and I napped.  When I did wake I felt better.  So perhaps all I needed was a bit of rest. 

This leads me to the point about still be in my PJ's at now 3.30.  I have at least cleaned the bathrooms today.  Certainly not the highlight of my day but at least it's another thing of the list.

My plans for the rest of the day involve eating dinner, having a long bath, bed and a book.  The washing will wait til tomorrow to be folded, amazing but true.  Learning to listening to my body may well be the smartest things I can do.  Dang, that might just be me growing up.

Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma

Well you would have been delighted to watch your Great Grandson play Rugby today.  He had a pretty good run with the ball!  Although I can hear you say...."is it safe, aren't those other boys a big bigger, shouldn't he have one of those head things on?"  Well yes it's safe enough, no they are that much bigger and the head things...they'd TOTALLY ruin his hair.

You know Grandma there is so much that has happened that I miss sharing with you.  The kids mainly.  You'd just adore Miss 3 and she would adore you.  You would no doubt give me a lecture about letting her wear Master 6 clothes and spend more of your money at garage sales getting her more girlie things.  You'd tell me when she needed a hair cut and 'wouldn't it look pretty up like this......'.  You would be horrified that she rolls up her sleeve, says "wait for it, wait for it....." then makes a fart noise on her arm but would laugh heartily all the same.  I think the thing you would love most about her wicked sense of humour.  I know you'd both be in stitches about nothing and everything.

Master 6 still talks about you.  And I know that he misses you too.  I've been trying to clear out his room a bit...but like me, he hoards.  And I blame you for that.  "We can't get rid of that, it's from Great Grandma".  He is truly a cool kid you know.  You'd be smitten.

I wonder what you'd think of me and my child care life.  You'd probably think I was mad but seeing as you had 4 kids would probably understand on some level.  You'd tell me I look tired and "have you put on a little bit extra weight?" of which I would say....bite me and we'd laugh.

You'd fuss over Duane....drill him about the ins and outs of the farm and tell us how much you love the home we've build.  There would be garage sale plants for "in the garden" and goodness knows what else.  The new lambs would be your favourite here, and I know you'd visit often....Great Grand kids have always had that effect on you. 

I know for me it helps knowing you saw this spot of ours and can feel you watching, frowning at me when I leave the washing out overnight.  But can feel your presence when I need you most.

I'd love to talk more cooking with you Grandma, try a few new recipes out on you and go through some of your books.  I can't bear to part with them you know.

Wasabi is good, she loves it here.  The mice keep her entertained and us too.  She's even bagged a few bunnies....I doubt you'd be impressed by that but she's no longer a town cat!  Amelia loves her to bits, almost literally so you certainly have a kindred spirit there!

I catch myself sometimes, wanting to tell you about the latest competition I've won, the bargain I got or the latest on the kids.  I know I don't visit enough but you know it's not because I don't care.

I wanted to write to you, to chat with you, to tell you I love you and miss you.  And to say please keep your eye out for me, with that little Kingfisher friend of yours.  I like knowing he's about.

Sending you my love. x J