What a day!

Two days away from the one of the biggest days in the year for the Master and Miss and I have been on edge, a touchy grumpy, preoccupied and nauseous.

My Dad has prostate cancer and had an operation today to get it removed. 

Thankfully part of the worry is over. 

It's early days to be fair but for me personally I think knowing what Dad is like and worrying about him worrying about the op has been dreadful. 

Then of course there was the actual operation.  Sorry to say but Dad's not a spring chicken (although 67 is the new 57) so there is always going to be a big recovery.....lucky my Mum has such a good bed side manner........

Anyway after getting through today it's onwards and upwards.  I'm looking forward to seeing Dad.....just to make sure he's not giving the nurses a hard time, that he's doing what he's told and well that he's okay and that I love him!  Someone stop me before I start getting all sloppy.

So anyhow this post is for my Dad.  May your recovery be swift and you ready for the next water pistol fight.

 

 xx Love you lots xx

Why a bump to the head was a sign.....

Okay so I'm resting.  And I'm terrible at it.  So this is me bucking my rest, even if it is for 5 mins!

On Monday I whacked my head on a door.  Not my finest hour.  After a trip to the doctor, alot of sleeping, painkillers and rest I thought I was 'back on track' because, to be frank, I had shit to do.

However it wasn't meant to be, back to the Doctor only to be told that it's all part of the ride....3 steps forward, 2 back.....like, literally his words!  Sheesh.  Not what a control freak wants to hear before Christmas.

Seeing as I'm 'resting' I've been thinking.  A bump to the head might be a blessing.  A time to slow down.  There is nothing that can't wait (my tea towel draw for example) and although it pains me to say it my body has enjoyed the rest.  Given I've had no control over my body wanting to sleep, alot, and my head literally aches, I've found myself thinking well I'm pretty organised so lets just run with it.

I know, grown up right?  What next!!?

Anyway there is always someone more worse off than me, and the Dr says I'll be fine for Christmas so that's all good. 

In the mean time, I have date with the couch. 

Stay safe, and watch out for those doors....they can be pesky.

Finding the humour.

Every now and then I will flick back to some of my old blog posts and have a re-read.  Correct me if I'm wrong (people who know me in the real world) but I think that the posts are just like talking to me..... 

I'm a geek.  A bit of a fool (a nice fool that is).  And large percentage of myself is "nerdy pants".  And I'm proud of it. 

But what I noticed about my blog posts is that I'm generally always having a laugh, sometimes a rant but mainly a laugh.

And the ability to be able to laugh should not be under estimated.

The ability to be able to laugh at oneself, well quite frankly is legend.

I like to laugh and if I can make someone else laugh through my failings, experiences, ups downs or sideways then even better.

I almost started another blog on the darker side of me (I think I was having a bout of PMT) but then realised I had nothing to write about.

When it comes to the big picture of life we need to remember that we are only here for just a while.  So you may as well find some humour in the journey.  And while your laughing about it all, make sure you share the love and let someone else know the punchline!

And in case you think I'm talking a load of rubbish.....these guys have a bit to say on the subject:

~



 

A day without laughter is a day wasted - Charlie Chaplin

 

~

 

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come - Williams Shakespeare

 

~

 

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter - E. E. Cummings

 

~

 

Laughter is an instant vacation - Milton Berle

 

~

 

You can't deny laughter, when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair

and stays as long as it wants - Stephen King.

 

~

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key - Yakov Smirnoff
 

~

 

Laughing is my kind of exercise! - Jane Redward 

 

And the downs.

Ah yes.  The Downs.

What goes up must ................yep exactly.

So after a wonderful two weeks of friends, fun. memories, laughs, shopping (the good sort), no school lunches, no homework, no 'paid' employment (essentially two weeks of bliss) reality has hit.  Hard.

It's back to lists of jobs to do. 

Planning meals, town trips, organising a bike ride fundraising event (did I not say 'never again'?!!), trying to juggle the needs of the children with school things that are on with the needs of the overworked Farmer while keeping the (new) puppy from a) blowing away in the ridiculous winds we have been having or b) eating my shoes.  And that sentence clearly needs more comas so you can breathe while reading it!

In saying that, I have wrapped the children's Christmas and Birthday presents and am feeling fairly organised in terms of gift buying so that's got to be good news.

I'm back walking again - FANTASTIC......really missed that, and my walking buddies.

I've enjoyed being back at my "paid employment" - it's surprising how much you grow fond of other peoples children!

There are plenty of social plans afoot over the next few weeks for mischief wine drinking catching up with people.

Hmmm so in fact although I was going to have a whinge about the "Downs" it would appear the "Ups" are taking over.

Super good news!

Grateful to be a giver.

I was chatting with a friend and during the course of our conversation I had a bitch and a moan.  My friend turned to me and said...."you know what?  Your a giver, that's the problem."  And shes right, I am. 

However I think even though I'm complaining I'd rather have my problem than be on the other side of the fence.  I read recently 'give more than you take' and I think that's wise.

Even though sometimes you end up feeling like I did, a bit pissed off that once again someone just doesn't get it, that you got the short end of the stick and can't believe how one sided some people are - it's much better for your whole self to be a giver.

And although I'm sounding all mightier than thou I just honest to goodness feel better about who I am.  That can't be a bad thing!

Doing it alone is probably safer.

I had the most awful experience yesterday.

It left me shaken, anxious, overwhelmed and a little cross.

I'm a planner by nature.  I make lists.  I'm tend to do things the same way if they work.  If not I'll make adjustments but sometimes things get so out of whack that they can threaten my very being.

This is what happen yesterday.

My world was upset.  My way - that quiet, organised, calm way was upturned.

And to be fair there was a reason to it.  A good thought gone horribly wrong....never again though.  It's not worth the fall out.

What happened you ask?

Well on a busy Saturday morning my husband, the Farmer, decided he and the children would come with me.........................to do the groceries.

Never again.

The children, well they know how I roll, but the Farmer, as well meaning as he was almost got a clobber around the head with a wine bottle.

He's fine on his own, with a list (ensuring that it is in order of food aisles otherwise he forgets things) but with me, the kids and what seemed to be 90% of the rest of the town, it was a nightmare.

Never ever again.

When the shoe is on the other foot.

Sometimes it's the double standards of life that make me, well a bit Pippy to be frank.

You know.......it's okay for me to have to make all the effort but not the other way around.  I find some people have short memories.

I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of this personal dilemma.  I just find it a bitter pill to swallow.  And seeing as I have this open forum to go 'GRRR' in, I thought I would just do that.......

so

GRRRRRRRRR

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

By the way 3000 page views.  Seriously?!  Can't believe other people are interested in my ramblings!

It's still kinda cool though!  Cheers!

High heels and Hair cuts

Extraordinary day yesterday. 

It had me smiling in my sleep!

I had decided it was time for a haircut.  Spring is here, Summer not far away and well a change is good.

I brought some really funky heels, the kind you can wear with jeans and but I realised that since I first brought them I'd only worn them once.  So with a confident application of lippy, my flavour of the month top and my ever faithful jeans I chucked on my heels and trotted off to the hair dressers.

At the start when I told her I wanted a change I'm sure she was a bit doubtful but nonetheless she worked her magic and I left a new woman.  Or something.

I knew it was a good cut when out with the Farmer for lunch he commented on how good I looked numerous times and even went as far as a PDA (Mum that means public display of affection!).

Surprising to me though was the general stuff that happened in the afternoon - the bookstore lady was expectionally friendly and chatty to me, the wee man at the petrol station just appeared to fill my tank (usually they are noticeably absent), the lady at the clothes shop ignored people right in front of me and said hello to me and the lady at the bakery let me off .10c of the french stick I was buying as I didn't have quite enough.

Now I'm not sure if it was just that I was feeling good, therefore smiling more and relaying a general state of happiness which the world picked up on or just a good day in town.  Who knows but if town was more like that I'd probably go in more!!

On my arrival to school in the afternoon I don't think I've ever had so many nice comments on my hair before.  A couple of people didn't even recognise me!  Sheesh, talk about a getting a big head!!

The down side is that today I'm be back in my work clothes, work shoes and my hair will probably not look nearly as good.

But that extraordinary feeling is still there.  And that is bound to put an extra big smile on my face.

Gosh darn it I might just be growing up.

So I entered this wee photo competition (as I do) for a Rural calendar.

Anyway my expectations were low so I was chuffed to hear I'd got two images through to the next round of judging. 

WARNING BELLS!  Don't get excited - Whoops too late.  Part of me then began to think....okay, maybe i have a shot.....

Well I didn't.

I heard back today and neither went through to the next round.

For about 5 minutes I felt really bummed out.

But then I thought, well hey I got through the first round - that's not a bad thing.

My curiosity got the better of me so I thought I'd find out how many from the 1700 entries made the first cut.  Turns out only 220 did and 2 of those were mine!

How cool is that!?!

Which leads to me to think that perhaps I am growing up.  Perhaps my ability to deal with disappointment comes from having a good attitude, finding the positive and (just a few) years of life experience.

HOWEVER I'm not entirely sure how pleased I am with the concept of growing up.  I may well have to do something silly and childlike to knock it on the head........Watch this space.

The lesson I was taught.

If you know me, or have been reading my blog, you'll likely know that I really try to be a good parent.  Supportive, loving, well balanced - and I don't mean a glass of wine in both hands.  I try to be encouraging and help my children learn not only things that are educational but the 'bigr picture' things in life....you know values and stuff.

But often it's hard.

There can be tiredness, tears and whinging.  And that's just me.

However on Friday I was delighted to watch both of them shine at their school assembly.

Miss 5 and a half got a 'Star Student' certificate for helping and being well.....her.  There may have been a weenie tear in my eye....perhaps dust but we will go with a wee tear.

Then Master 8 and a half stood up with two other class mates to read a poem....in front of the whole school.  Go him!  I was so proud!  It's was much later in life before I was confident to do such things.  And at a push I would do it now but not before trying to get out of it.  What made me super proud was he loves his writing so read out his work was pretty special.

Even with all my worries about their education being met, their friends, their teachers, manners, are they being all they can be, I was taught by them (in a very round about way) that in fact they are doing just fine.  Which means I'm doing just fine too.

And I'm proud of them. 

Which surely is the one of the best parts of parenting there can be.

10 things you didn't know about me....

Well I was just feeling a bit random of late and thought I would share my randomness with you - so 10 things you didn't really want to know about me but are going to know by the end of this post.....


1. I believe the sound/word 'Meh' should be added to the dictionary.  The meaning can be a number of things as follows........whatever - can't be arsed - really? - No - Yes - go away - I think so. In fact I think there are possibly more definitions we could come up with.

2. If you have the pleasure of taking a photo of me one of two things will happen.  Possibly my eyes will turn into small slits as I smile and/or laugh.  Or I will end up with multiple chins.  Either option isn't attractive.

3. I still listen to tapes.  On my Walkman.  And it's not because I'm trying to be retro. 

4. I have over 50 necklaces.  Lets not even talk about earrings.

5. My middle name is Elizabeth.  Okay Mum so you know this one already.......

6. Today I was listening to The Little River Band.  On a tape, in my car.  And was singing.  Blame my Dad. 

7. "I like Meat Pies."  In truth I like just about any sort of pie but this is another thing to blame on my Dad.  It's one of those phrases he pulls out randomly, thus I am following suit.

8. Autumn is my favourite season with Spring a close second.

9. I think Johnny Depp is an amazing actor and pretty good looking to boot.  Alright so you know this already but I just wanted to see if you were still reading.

10. I was struggling to think of a 10th thing and Master Eight & half wandered by.  He wanted to know what I was doing.  He offered the final item as "Mum is the best Mum in the World."  Can't argue with that.

And just to clarify I do like other musicians not just The Little River Band.  I'm not a complete crazy lady.  I think.

Life vs Passion. Can there be a winner?

While talking to a dear friend today I discussed what would happen if I gave something the whole 110%.  Do I have the drive for it?  Do I have the passion?  Do I really want to?!!

I'm talking photography here.....I love it.  I love the joy it brings others when I've captured an image of something special.  I love to share.  I get a kick out of it.  I'm never going to be very good at charging for it.  Possibly because I undervalue what my abilities are but perhaps because it's just not who I am. 

I'm not a technical photographer.  I'm more of a "fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants-make-shit-up-and-hope-it-works" kind a photographer.  And for the most part it (surprisingly) it does work.

The thing that always seems to get in the way for me is, well..... Life. And this is where the whole 'drive/passion' thing comes in.  Probably I could avoid having to do the housework/paid employment/cooking thing if I was THAT passionate about it but I just can't seem to put myself first enough to do so.

And it's not even the home stuff....I'm desperate to get myself back on track, in terms of health and well being, so much so that the photography stuff keeps getting kicked to touch.

Then there is the being available for my kids - I'm trying very hard to help Master Eight and half with his school work, support Miss Five and half and keep the home fires burning.  I'd also like to help the farmer out with farm jobs and around the house stuff AND want to make sure I'm spending time with family and friends.

Enough hours in the day?!?

Hmmmm me thinks not.

But perhaps if i was more driven, more passionate, I would find the time......

Sigh.

In someways I'm not bothered.  I'll keep ticking along as I am.  Happy to be the Wife - Mum - Friend - Daughter - Sister - Aunty that I am.

And I guess when the time is right......well then my passion-hobby-whatever can come first.

Good in theory right!?!

Giving and Taking.

My Mum (and Dad) used to say "you'll get your reward in Heaven" and to a degree I think that's about right.

But sometimes it means that your on the giving end...........alot.  And that means some one else is taking. 

Or just plain taking the piss.

So do you wait for the reward in Heaven?!!  Or do you throw your toys?!

Okay so I'm not good at throwing toys.  I can probably throw a bit of a wobbly (or use swear words in my blog!) but that's about it.....so I guess I'll wait.

I suppose that's just the person I am.  And it sometimes burns (like indigestion) and sometimes I couldn't care less.

It's the way of the world.  The Givers and Takers.  I see the Givers in my friends, and my really good friends are 'cut from the same cloth' as me.   So in my wee world it balances out.

At some point I know that the Takers will find that everyone has had enough.  They have nothing left to give and they will find themselves perhaps regretting their decisions.  Perhaps not.  But at the end of the day I would rather Give.  For the most part it's a good feeling.  I know it's right and yes that reward will wait.  Hopefully for  a very long time.

Ramshackle life

There is no really purpose or direction for today's post.  That's a the beauty of a blog.  "Randomness".  So here we go....

I love my life.  The funny ins and outs, ups and downs. 

The quiet Sunday at home among the days of crazy everyday life.

Things I enjoy may not be the norm.  The way I dance might be a bit crazy.  I'm happy to poke fun at myself and have a good time.  My laugh might be loud but it's real.  I care about whats important to me. 

There are days when the odd comment knocks me from my course.  It makes me doubt myself & my choices.  But having the confidence in my ramshackle life, in the way I do things, for the reasons I do things I can be quietly happy about my lot.

Do we say that we are happy often?  I mean really?!!  There is always something going on.  Not often time to count your blessings.   But for me, today, while the sun is shining, the wind blowing, the kids playing and the house in a general state of disorder I can tell you that I'm happy.

And that's enough for me.

Important things I've learned.

 

I've been compiling this list for a while.   They are just things that strike me as common sense.  

 

Some days I know these things clearly, while other days I'm blinded by emotion; instead of knowing whats right I just feel crumbly on the inside. 

 

Thus recording this for myself.  To remind me!

 

 

Nothing changes, but everything changes.

 

*

 

It's very hard to listen while your talking.

 

*

 

The good deed unseen is more important that all others.

 

*

 

You'll never really see,  if you look the other way.

 

*

 

To be able to understand someone you'll have to get to know them first.

 

*

 

Time is the gift that most valued.

 

*

 

Things don't make you happy, people do.

 

*

 

You can love but not like.

 

*

 

A heartfelt anything will always cheer you up.

 

*

 

Silence doesn't need to be filled.

 

*

 

Loyalty can not be brought, it is earned.

 

*

 

Some friendships are forever and some just fade away.

 

*

 

The beauty of life is hard to see sitting inside.

 

*

 

That your children will watch and learn your values from you. 

 

 

xx Jane xx

 

 

 
 

Whimsical.

Like anything in life blogging is what you make it.

I choose to make it my open book of ups and downs.  Sometimes there will a huge run of downs.  And then nothing.  Which ideally means ups.

Sometimes there is funny.

Sometimes there is sad.

Today is whimsical.  Light.  Fluffy.

I have a free day/night.  The Farmer, little Mr and little Miss have gone away.  One would think that I'd be having a ball, going out, catching up, shopping, lunching.....whatever.

I'm not.

I'm still in my PJ's (it's before 9 so that's kinda okay).  I have washing, tidying, vacuuming and bathrooms to do.

AND my cherubs have shared their cold.  Charmed I'm sure.

I will do the jobs.  I will go to a baby shower.  I will relax.  And I will enjoy the quiet.  But I will miss my family.

Thus the whimsical. 

They drive me potty.  Wind me up.  Stress me out.  Yet make me feel complete.

When they are here, I want the quiet, tidy, clean house that by the end of today I will have.  But when they are gone I miss the noise, laughter, fun.  Especially on weekends where things are more relaxed.

I guess the grass is always greener.

So I will head off now.  To tidy and clean.  But I will also turn the stereo up loud, to recreate the noise of my family, and get amongst it.

And when they come home.  I will hug them and tell them how much I missed them.

Having a wee cry.

As the title suggests I had a wee cry today.

Not for bad reasons.

For entirely good reasons.

I received a lovely email from a dear friend.  She reminded me how cool my kids are.

Now I shouldn't need reminding.  I love my kids.  Would do anything and then some for them.  But sometimes they drive me to despair.

Like for instance when my daughter appears off the school bus with no shoes.....

Me "I hope your shoes are in your bag"
Miss 5 "Yep"
Me "They aren't on the bus?"
Miss 5 "Nup"

Next day - racing to get to into the car...... no shoes.

Thankfully for her she'd left them in the school cloak bay.  Because I so KINDLY reminded her (the entire drive to school) she needs to be RESPONSIBLE for her things, MONEY doesn't grow on trees etc etc etc you get the general idea.

Anyway back to the tears.

So this email reminded me why I will go into bat for my kids, why I try to do my utmost for them and why I love them so very much.  And like I say it wasn't anything I didn't already know.  It was just someone else reminding me.    

And thus I wept.

(Yes I'm a big sooky la la)

What would Johnny Depp do?

There are times in my day where I happen to glance up and see Johnny....................

He has his stare fixed on me....................................

............................................. from the calendar that is.

Awkward (am not a stalker) moment.

And in these across the room moments, usually brought on by an exasperated 'count to ten' time out, a thoughtful reflection, or just day dreaming - that i wonder how would Johnny Depp deal with this?

I mean if his kids are arguing, what would he do?  (Or what would his nanny do?)

If he catches 5 minutes of peace and quiet.....would he clean the windows or read a book?

If his mind wanders.....where does it go?

What would he do if he realises he didn't get anything out for tea?

How about the horror of discovering your down to the bottom of you undie draw because you've been working and haven't done the washing.......Johnny - WHAT WOULD YOU DO? (buy more?!)

I know, I know these are earth shattering questions for a mega celeb but does he ever have to deal with the small stuff? 

And the answer?

Well next time we are chatting, I'll let you know.

"So what are you doing with yourself?"....................

I've been asked three times in the last few days this question.

And I'm struggling to answer.

I finished in home care mid way through last year to take time out.  Problem was I ended up taking on a role (which in a way felt like a full time job!) for the local preschool.  I did relief teaching all the while trying to get a handle on which road I should take.  Should I take on 3 years study to continue early childhood teaching?  Is is what I want to do?

This year, after the main event of my "role" was over, I just wanted time to reassess.  To catch up on my life. 

2 months later and I'm still not there.

And it begs the question.

"So what are you doing with yourself?"

I'm not in "full time" employment.  I work a day and half a week.  I parent help at the school twice  a week.  I clean.  I cook.  I ferry my kids to after school activities.  I do homework with my kids.  I am generally just 'around' for my kids.  Doesn't seem like much when you write it down.

I'm trying to do the best I can for my family and yet that whole statement "So what are you doing with yourself" makes me feel like I sit my arse drinking Pina Coladas and reading trashy mags.  Which, unfortunately, I don't.

In the last few years I have worked very hard juggling balls in the air.  And for the most part did it very well.

This year, I'm not doing it and I feel guilty. 

I'd like to point out it's not guilt from the Farmer.  He is more than happy with the way things are going.  Especially now the lawn is growing and I'm home to mow it!  He knows it's not forever.  He's been encouraging me to look after myself for months now, and I'm very grateful too him for his love and support.  Not everyone is that fortunate to be able to do this.

The guilt is, for the most part, mine.  Something I just need to get over.

But it's from other people too. 

There is a part of our society who believes you should work part or full time, raise a family, have an amazing home, be on every committee available, look fantastic and be a stepford wife.  But it's not realistic. 

What's more........I'm not buying.  Well not anymore.

There is always a cost.  And for me the cost was myself.

I've put on weight.  I'd lost my spark.  I'd lost my patience.  I stopped doing things I really enjoyed.    Time became my enemy.  Burnout?  Possibly.  Tired?  Definitely.  Over it?  For sure.

I'm a more than capable person (possibly what gets me to trouble) and I enjoy being busy and taking things on.  However when your so busy being all things to other people and not yourself you can get into a right pickle.

Thus my life, as it is, right here - right now.  Pickle free.

So, in conclusion, my answer to the next person who asks "So what are you doing with yourself....." wont be to justify what I do, but it will be 'I'm a lady of leisure' with the biggest smile I can muster while biting my tongue.

Where in the world are you?!

I'm sitting down, having 5 minutes of semi quiet time.

Troops are feed and watered, and making laughing noises with the farmer.

So I thought I'd perhaps write a post.  Quite obviously it would be highly intellectual, humorous, informative and well rounded.  Generally a wonderful simulating read.  (insert laughter here).

However when I logged on I was looking at the readership of this wee blog of mine.

There are people from not only NZ (Hi Mum!) but Russia, the USA, Germany, Malaysia, the Land of OZ and a few other places.  Yes really!  I know it surprises me too!

I'm not really one to read blogs.  I have signed up to a few but to be honest just don't find the time to read them.  Some are regular posters and some (like myself) are more sporadic. 

Anyway I just wanted to acknowledge and Thank you, yes YOU - the reader.  Thanks for swinging by.  Hope you come again soon!

And where ever you are in the world, I wish you all the best!

Talking to "THAT" parent........and not wanting to shake them silly!

So I had the pleasure (?!!!) of having a conversation with a parent regarding our kids.  While I was my upfront, honest, tell it like it is, self they proceeded to blah blah on about how AWESOME their child is.

Meanwhile, during the conversation, I observed their child do some not so awesome stuff to another 2 children.....one of them my own.  GRRRR.

This parent was oblivious.  I mean seriously not even watching what the heck was going on.  And would they have done anything?  Nup unlikely.  I mean that would require PARENTING!

Now normally I would let this go, I mean at some stage we all like to brag a little about our kids.  You know we do.  And I have done so myself but it's always the good and the bad.  My kids aren't angels.  They are normal children.  They have off days.  They are naughty and nice.  NORMAL CHILDREN, you know?!

And as a normal parent I don't judge.  As someone who works in earlychildhood I am fairly even keeled.  And I would say that I find the best in every child. 

But this kid.  Fair annoys the shit outta me.  So that's saying something.

What's worse is the parent who, with their rose tinted glasses, doesn't see it. 

Again I'm not perfect.  My kids aren't perfect.  But I swear to you I had to bite my tongue so often I had dents in it before the coversation ended.

Best thing to do is probably just laugh about it so.......

Even more like me!

Well it's been a few days since I felt I had a 'aha' moment and I'll still there.  Which is awesome!

I keep coming back to these feeling about how things should be and they seem really true to myself which is such a great thing for me right now!

Lets here a big WHOOP WHOOP!  okay well maybe just a small WHOOP WHOOP then!  ;-)

I had a weekend away with some friends a couple of weeks ago and brought a very cool sign for my wall, essentially for Master Eight "Imagination is more important than knowledge" but I have since realised that it also speaks to me.  Now every time I see it I feel a certain uplift in my day.

Anyway, with the on coming break of Easter I'm looking forward to some time with my kids and the Farmer and some time to be at home.  Life is a constant rush.  It's becoming clear to me, that if I rush my kids too much we all miss out.

Enjoy the scenery for a while!

Happy Easter!

 

xxx

 

Jane

  

Wonder and Hope.

I've had an unusual day.

Good in the sense that for some reason I feel that I have a place.  And I know that sounds awfully profound but the things I have been stewing on now feel, like they are put to bed.

I met someone today, and perhaps felt like I should be striving to be part of something that this person was.  I was possibly a mild curiosity.  Eager, without resolve, without connections, finance and the potential for those things. 

Keeping in mind, all this was me, thinking/feeling these things.

But surprisingly although put out I have just watched something that has moved me in such a way that I feel like I've hit a note.  A very personal note.

And yes this all sounds very cryptic, and what the hell is she going on about.....I know I know......

But I keep trying to bench mark myself and yes my bar is high and yes that's who I am - but perhaps there is more to the way I do things, that I have just clicked into.

I am truly finding a sense of myself.  And sense is the key word.

This will need to sit with me for a while.  And I will quietly let it play out.

Wonder and Hope.

When it all stops.

Sliding back down into normality after being a part of huge project has finally caught up with me.  The adrenaline has worn of, my immunity has come crashing down and I have spent the best part of the last four days with a tummy bug and it's side effects.

The problem with being physically unwell and still feeling mentally pretty good is that while "resting", I had too much time to think.  This is a bad thing.

I have been reflecting on so many things I'm not even sure where to begin.

Firstly I'm needing to make a few changes. 

I have realised in all my infinite wisdom that being a people pleaser is not great for my well being.  It's nice to be needed but there is a fine line between needed and taken the piss of.  This covers alot of things but relationships that should be two way that aren't.  So heres the kicker.....I'm not going to worry about making the first move and I'm going to say No or at the very least, can I get back to you?

Next to the fray is my love of photography.  I'm never giving it the fair crack it deserves.  And I'm not sure if that's because I haven't got the confidence to keep at it or I'm scared I'll fail on some level.  My gut says to put everything else aside and make it happen.  But can I?

My kids.  My very tolerant, lovable, noisy little rascals.  Why do I do anything I do?  I think that it's for them but somewhere along the way, possibly in people pleasing mode, I missed the boat.  Now that they are both at school I need to get back on board, and start giving back some of the stuff they are needing from me.  Time.

It is possible to be that focused on myself?  To actually try to put me, my family and what I want first?  Do you think anyone gets that?  And if they don't - should I care?

More questions that answers at the moment but I feel like I'm on the right track.  Is this the first step of When I grow up?

Leaving a legacy

I wonder some times what my kids, friends, family will remember about me when I'm gone (and I'm talking after I've been booted out of the rest home I've booked into with my friend Sarah for my final resting place at 120 years of age.....)

Will it be how clean my house was?  Very unlikely.  Will it be the all the hours that I worked?  Will it be my wardrobe?  How often my hair was cut?  What about the car I drive?  What I made for tea or the presents I gave?

I hope that they will remember the silly stuff.  The wet you knickers laughing over the funny things.  The 'Ruh roh' moments in life where you laugh or you'll cry.  The memories taken on a camera, transferred into scrapbooks.  The memories that can't be taken away - learning how to read, draw, dance, bake, laugh at yourself, and be all that you can be. 

I'm not entirely sure what got me thinking about this but I guess I was reflecting on who I am as a person.  And how the things I do whether it is for my kids, a friend, my family or the farmer have no hidden agenda. 

There is a lot of 'social climbing' in the world.  And to be fair it's something I've never brought in to.  I've often talked about I'm just me, take it or leave it, but what does that translate to when your gone?

Certainly it's unlikely to be high status, riches or a nation wide funeral!

And that's okay. 

You reap what you sow.  And with all the important relationships in life it's very true. 

It seemed to dawn on me most recently when I realised that even if the kids got a telling off at bed, they still love me the next day.  That the things I do with/for them are bigger than that.  And they are at an age when they perhaps understand.  I know that will change over their teens but it's a storm we can weather!

I am super grateful for all I have, all I do, and all I will do in my life. 

I am super grateful for all the people who help me with that. 

I hope that the legacy I leave will show that, with a heap of memories, in flurry of laughter and of course a couple of wines.

But you'll have to wait an awfully long time to see if I'm right!

Thank you friends!

Gosh what a week!

It's been up, down and all over the place!

Miss Five started school - all going swimmingly apart from the fact I miss having her about.
Master Eight has had to deal with stink arse friends - but is doing well.
The Fundraising effort we have been working on has been great, horrid and then awesome.
My house seems like a tip - beginning to be like this alot.
Life is back into a routine - and I'm now missing the holidays..........

I think the only thing holding me together this week is my friends. 

You have the friends that email with an outstanding quote that hits the nail on the head in my search for "what I want to be when I grow up"

Then there is the friend that returns an email I sent late and night and tells me that I should be going to bed earlier or I'll get sick. Bless.

The friend that sends Miss 5 a text to wish her a great day at school - which she loved!

The friend that will quite literally take a stink job off my hands and think about canning a holiday to help the cause (not going to happen girlfriend!)

The 'think about things' a different way and offer some outstanding solutions while offering to help with whatever she can, because she can - friend.

The friends that make you laugh, even at yourself.  But mostly along with you.

And of course the Farmer.

The Farmer who helps by putting up signs and picking up the slack.  Tolerating my absent mindedness.  The extra glass of vino required on that really sucky day, especially as he's not drinking.

There is alot to be said for the love that friends give, in whatever way, on whatever day for whatever cause.  And I am blessed with many. 

Thank you friends.  You know who you are.  You know that I love you.  And you WILL remind me to shut my mouth when I have any more really good ideas.

x x Jane x x

The Photography curse

It's a known fact that I like taking photos.  In fact the kids often ask me to leave my camera at home.  But who wants to miss that 'special' moment!?!  You never know what you'll snap.....

Well it happened.  I went out for a bike ride, with the Farmer and Master Eight, and the Photography curse struck.

Beautiful images everywhere.  The light was great.  There was a sort of haze across the ranges which was stunning.  A family of Pukeho's.  A number of low flying Hawks.  Even corn fields looked exceptional.  And the camera was at home.

Sigh.

Better luck next time huh?

Thank them too.

Most days seem to roll by with a series of jobs to be done.  They are things that just need to be done to get out the door, to get to the next place or do the next thing.

I'm not a hard task master by any account but sometimes it just seems difficult to get it all done.  And usually there is a bit of moving the kids along to help.  Sometimes I growl.  Sometimes I cajole.  Sometimes it's faster if I do it myself.

What I don't remember to do often enough is to praise.

We got back from a week of camping.  There was unpacking, washing, sorting, groceries, repacking (we are going away again), make a plate, plan for Master Eights family BBQ and deal with the very full inbox, phone messages and other misc bits.

The kids did really well.  And when they were asked to help, they did.

Given they are tired from some pretty full on days, early mornings and hot nights.....they really did do well.

I'm not sure why I didn't think to Thank them.  Perhaps I was just too busy to notice. 

So tomorrow, I'm going to Thank them for helping, for being part of the family, for taking on more responsibility and for being good kids.

Who knows, they might just want to do it again!!

2000 views....gosh that crept up on me!

Okay I know I've been a bit slow on the posting.  But it's because I've been out there.....enjoying the spoils of life!

And here are some examples!

So not much to report on really.....looking forward to some time away with my family before the crazy busy month of February sneaks up on me.

Happy New Year to all the readers!  Thanks for popping by!