Thank Goodness for holidays!

I'm seriously looking forward to the school holidays.

I'm armed with some crafty projects, baking ideas, play dates and chill out time with the kids.  Can't wait.  And it's not just about the down time with kids, its the down time for me.

I love the idea of not having to rush out the door.  To race about with school lunches, schedules, homework and cramming in tea prep and washing all before 8am.

In fact holidays for me are crazy fun.  Like for instance, PJ day.  A actual day were you can wear PJ's all day.....thank goodness we live rurally and don't get any door to door salespeople.  There is back to front day.....breakfast at dinner time, clothes inside out and sometimes back to front!  There are huts to be made, bikes ridden, food to bake and picnic lunches to be had.....whatever the weather.

I need to have some days with the kids, and yes there are jobs to do, and supermarkets to visit but it's more relaxing, somewhat easier and can be more fun - especially if you make it that way.

I feel of late that my fun levels are almost depleted.   I'd lost my spark.  My emotional gauge was sitting on empty and has taken alot of filling.  And I'm blessed with people who have helped me do that.  Including my exceptional husband, the Farmer, and my children. 

Today they reminded me about fun.  They were the adults at tea time and we were the kids.  We usually sit down at tea and discuss what we liked about today and what sucked.  Both kids got right into their roles as Mum and Dad......and when I thanked "Mum" for desert, "Dad" replied "What about thanking me, I work to get money for the food"....The Farmers face lit up and he grinned like the cat that got the cream! 

It's a timely reminder to keep having fun, there will come a time when the last thing the kids are going to want to do in the holidays is hang out with me, so I'd better clock up some Fun times now!

Why alcohol is not a good plaster.

Today we said goodbye to my Uncle Colin.

I was as mentally prepared as I would ever be for this.  But to see my Dad, my strong, manly father lose himself to grief very well broke my heart. 

As normal for most emotional events there was a lovely spread of food and beverages.  I choose beverages.  The brown and bubbly sort.  I felt that I could deal with things better with a beer in hand.

But as the day grew on, I felt more and more lost to my feelings of grief.  Possibly beyond my Uncle.  Closer to home even.  And it didn't matter much I tried to cover with a reassuring smile or how hard I laughed or the 2nd glass of wine, I haven't been able to shake this feeling.

I know what it is, this grief thing.  I feel it.  And I let myself be taken by it.  But I don't think you stop thinking about the what the 'what if's'.

Certainly today I realise I can't cover it.  I certainly can't mask it.  And alcohol isn't a plaster for it. 

I have to feel it.  And that's okay.  I'm sad.  For lots of reasons.  I'm sad for my Dad.  He's lost his brother.  I'm sad for our family.  I'm sad for me because no one lives forever, and that in itself put it in perspective.

The thing that cheers me no end is that tomorrow is another day.  That my children still need their Mum and that's my job.  To be there for them and keep going.

Doing stuff you'd rather not do.

There are things you have to do in life, that quite frankly suck.

I could list a number of examples but today is really just about one. 

My Dad's oldest brother, is dying of Cancer.  Of all my Uncles he is probably the one I feel I know the least, probably due to the age gap of Dad and him.  Mum and Dad told me he had lost alot of weight and a huge part of me didn't want to see him because I wanted to remember him for the guff, big man that I know him as.

However Mum and Dad are away and they really wanted my sister and I to go and see him.  I had been mentally bracing myself and finally the day arrived. 

The Uncle that I know is still there....just tucked away.  I saw glimpses of his humor, his guff way and no nonsense manner.  In and out of knowing whats going on, we were able to have a conversation of sorts.  I tend to waffle at the best of times but today I wanted to fill the room with my random thoughts, stories and take away some of the indignity of being ill. 

The flowers I took did so little to cheer the room and you wonder that from a life full of things, a home full of memories how you can end up in a small room waiting to die.  I really hated the idea of him being alone in there.  I know he'll have visitors on and off but with day time TV on, not moving from bed and not wanting to eat or drink company is probably all he wants.  In saying that perhaps he doesn't.  Maybe that's me just projecting my concern on to the situation.

Grief is a such a personal thing and perhaps I didn't want to see him, because then it's not real.  But it is and I'm devasted about it.  Possibly as it's a reality check.  Age and illness catches up with everyone.  No one lives forever.

I didn't want to go today.  But you do things because you need to.  I did need to do this.  I hope I have more empathy, more love, more compassion because of it.  I hope that peace comes to my Uncle.  For him to know that he is loved, will always be loved, that as a family we will do our best to look after my Aunty and all the family he leaves behind.

I hope after reading this that you tell people that you know and care for, that you love them.  It's important they know.