"So what are you doing with yourself?"....................

I've been asked three times in the last few days this question.

And I'm struggling to answer.

I finished in home care mid way through last year to take time out.  Problem was I ended up taking on a role (which in a way felt like a full time job!) for the local preschool.  I did relief teaching all the while trying to get a handle on which road I should take.  Should I take on 3 years study to continue early childhood teaching?  Is is what I want to do?

This year, after the main event of my "role" was over, I just wanted time to reassess.  To catch up on my life. 

2 months later and I'm still not there.

And it begs the question.

"So what are you doing with yourself?"

I'm not in "full time" employment.  I work a day and half a week.  I parent help at the school twice  a week.  I clean.  I cook.  I ferry my kids to after school activities.  I do homework with my kids.  I am generally just 'around' for my kids.  Doesn't seem like much when you write it down.

I'm trying to do the best I can for my family and yet that whole statement "So what are you doing with yourself" makes me feel like I sit my arse drinking Pina Coladas and reading trashy mags.  Which, unfortunately, I don't.

In the last few years I have worked very hard juggling balls in the air.  And for the most part did it very well.

This year, I'm not doing it and I feel guilty. 

I'd like to point out it's not guilt from the Farmer.  He is more than happy with the way things are going.  Especially now the lawn is growing and I'm home to mow it!  He knows it's not forever.  He's been encouraging me to look after myself for months now, and I'm very grateful too him for his love and support.  Not everyone is that fortunate to be able to do this.

The guilt is, for the most part, mine.  Something I just need to get over.

But it's from other people too. 

There is a part of our society who believes you should work part or full time, raise a family, have an amazing home, be on every committee available, look fantastic and be a stepford wife.  But it's not realistic. 

What's more........I'm not buying.  Well not anymore.

There is always a cost.  And for me the cost was myself.

I've put on weight.  I'd lost my spark.  I'd lost my patience.  I stopped doing things I really enjoyed.    Time became my enemy.  Burnout?  Possibly.  Tired?  Definitely.  Over it?  For sure.

I'm a more than capable person (possibly what gets me to trouble) and I enjoy being busy and taking things on.  However when your so busy being all things to other people and not yourself you can get into a right pickle.

Thus my life, as it is, right here - right now.  Pickle free.

So, in conclusion, my answer to the next person who asks "So what are you doing with yourself....." wont be to justify what I do, but it will be 'I'm a lady of leisure' with the biggest smile I can muster while biting my tongue.