So yesterday the wall and I collided. The wall won.
It's been a crappola week. And for all the positive thinking in the world I haven't been able to drag my sorry arse out of it.
However I think that when I hit the wall, some sense got knocked back into me. And perhaps to get to that point was a redeeming factor.
I'm always doing to much. It's my nature, I can't help it. I have been better at saying No. In fact it was my motto this year. I'm not perfect at it but I'm getting better. The biggest thing the wall reminded me, as I face planted it, was perhaps my position in the hierarchy of things should be elevated somewhat and that the only person who can do that is me.
Me time. It's one of those over used terms, well I think. Most normal Mums (and lets face it we are all working Mums - it's just whether we get paid or not) are told, you need me time. And I am luckier than most. I have had at least 2 weekends away this year without my kids, and another one coming up (Thank you dear Lord). But I think the phrase "me time" isn't about a weekend or even an night off, it's about 10mins - coffee in hand, mag in the other. I'm TERRIBLE at that. If there is something to be done, I'm doing it. My ability to switch off, ignore the washing, cleaning, crap on the floor, mess all over the dining table and general untidiness of my house is almost non-existent.
Until this week. I haven't, literally, had the energy to do ANY of it. Okay so I hung out some washing but it's now just been added to a MOUNTAIN of washing that now needs to be folded and put away.
One of the things that bothers me the most is being a grump to my kids. I have a wee sign on my fridge "Let there be peace in the world and let it begin with me". Well not so much this morning. I felt allot like a General....."get your shit together soldiers" wouldn't have been far of the mark. Not the ideal Mummy scenario.
My mind has been whirling with lists, things to do, people to catch up with, jobs to finished, study and things I need from the supermarket. But I haven't even been able to manage to clear my head enough to get rid of any of it. Haven't written it down at all as I was too busy drowning it in.
Whether it be my 7.00 bed times, 3 coffees a day (I usually have one) or the fact the wall came up and bit me in my arse I'm not sure but today the fog has lifted, ever so slightly. Today at least my smile feels genuine. So really, I should be thanking the wall. But I won't. I'm going to have a coffee, sit down while my charges are asleep and read a mag. Bugger making tea. It can wait.
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