Having a wee cry.

As the title suggests I had a wee cry today.

Not for bad reasons.

For entirely good reasons.

I received a lovely email from a dear friend.  She reminded me how cool my kids are.

Now I shouldn't need reminding.  I love my kids.  Would do anything and then some for them.  But sometimes they drive me to despair.

Like for instance when my daughter appears off the school bus with no shoes.....

Me "I hope your shoes are in your bag"
Miss 5 "Yep"
Me "They aren't on the bus?"
Miss 5 "Nup"

Next day - racing to get to into the car...... no shoes.

Thankfully for her she'd left them in the school cloak bay.  Because I so KINDLY reminded her (the entire drive to school) she needs to be RESPONSIBLE for her things, MONEY doesn't grow on trees etc etc etc you get the general idea.

Anyway back to the tears.

So this email reminded me why I will go into bat for my kids, why I try to do my utmost for them and why I love them so very much.  And like I say it wasn't anything I didn't already know.  It was just someone else reminding me.    

And thus I wept.

(Yes I'm a big sooky la la)

What would Johnny Depp do?

There are times in my day where I happen to glance up and see Johnny....................

He has his stare fixed on me....................................

............................................. from the calendar that is.

Awkward (am not a stalker) moment.

And in these across the room moments, usually brought on by an exasperated 'count to ten' time out, a thoughtful reflection, or just day dreaming - that i wonder how would Johnny Depp deal with this?

I mean if his kids are arguing, what would he do?  (Or what would his nanny do?)

If he catches 5 minutes of peace and quiet.....would he clean the windows or read a book?

If his mind wanders.....where does it go?

What would he do if he realises he didn't get anything out for tea?

How about the horror of discovering your down to the bottom of you undie draw because you've been working and haven't done the washing.......Johnny - WHAT WOULD YOU DO? (buy more?!)

I know, I know these are earth shattering questions for a mega celeb but does he ever have to deal with the small stuff? 

And the answer?

Well next time we are chatting, I'll let you know.

"So what are you doing with yourself?"....................

I've been asked three times in the last few days this question.

And I'm struggling to answer.

I finished in home care mid way through last year to take time out.  Problem was I ended up taking on a role (which in a way felt like a full time job!) for the local preschool.  I did relief teaching all the while trying to get a handle on which road I should take.  Should I take on 3 years study to continue early childhood teaching?  Is is what I want to do?

This year, after the main event of my "role" was over, I just wanted time to reassess.  To catch up on my life. 

2 months later and I'm still not there.

And it begs the question.

"So what are you doing with yourself?"

I'm not in "full time" employment.  I work a day and half a week.  I parent help at the school twice  a week.  I clean.  I cook.  I ferry my kids to after school activities.  I do homework with my kids.  I am generally just 'around' for my kids.  Doesn't seem like much when you write it down.

I'm trying to do the best I can for my family and yet that whole statement "So what are you doing with yourself" makes me feel like I sit my arse drinking Pina Coladas and reading trashy mags.  Which, unfortunately, I don't.

In the last few years I have worked very hard juggling balls in the air.  And for the most part did it very well.

This year, I'm not doing it and I feel guilty. 

I'd like to point out it's not guilt from the Farmer.  He is more than happy with the way things are going.  Especially now the lawn is growing and I'm home to mow it!  He knows it's not forever.  He's been encouraging me to look after myself for months now, and I'm very grateful too him for his love and support.  Not everyone is that fortunate to be able to do this.

The guilt is, for the most part, mine.  Something I just need to get over.

But it's from other people too. 

There is a part of our society who believes you should work part or full time, raise a family, have an amazing home, be on every committee available, look fantastic and be a stepford wife.  But it's not realistic. 

What's more........I'm not buying.  Well not anymore.

There is always a cost.  And for me the cost was myself.

I've put on weight.  I'd lost my spark.  I'd lost my patience.  I stopped doing things I really enjoyed.    Time became my enemy.  Burnout?  Possibly.  Tired?  Definitely.  Over it?  For sure.

I'm a more than capable person (possibly what gets me to trouble) and I enjoy being busy and taking things on.  However when your so busy being all things to other people and not yourself you can get into a right pickle.

Thus my life, as it is, right here - right now.  Pickle free.

So, in conclusion, my answer to the next person who asks "So what are you doing with yourself....." wont be to justify what I do, but it will be 'I'm a lady of leisure' with the biggest smile I can muster while biting my tongue.

Where in the world are you?!

I'm sitting down, having 5 minutes of semi quiet time.

Troops are feed and watered, and making laughing noises with the farmer.

So I thought I'd perhaps write a post.  Quite obviously it would be highly intellectual, humorous, informative and well rounded.  Generally a wonderful simulating read.  (insert laughter here).

However when I logged on I was looking at the readership of this wee blog of mine.

There are people from not only NZ (Hi Mum!) but Russia, the USA, Germany, Malaysia, the Land of OZ and a few other places.  Yes really!  I know it surprises me too!

I'm not really one to read blogs.  I have signed up to a few but to be honest just don't find the time to read them.  Some are regular posters and some (like myself) are more sporadic. 

Anyway I just wanted to acknowledge and Thank you, yes YOU - the reader.  Thanks for swinging by.  Hope you come again soon!

And where ever you are in the world, I wish you all the best!

Talking to "THAT" parent........and not wanting to shake them silly!

So I had the pleasure (?!!!) of having a conversation with a parent regarding our kids.  While I was my upfront, honest, tell it like it is, self they proceeded to blah blah on about how AWESOME their child is.

Meanwhile, during the conversation, I observed their child do some not so awesome stuff to another 2 children.....one of them my own.  GRRRR.

This parent was oblivious.  I mean seriously not even watching what the heck was going on.  And would they have done anything?  Nup unlikely.  I mean that would require PARENTING!

Now normally I would let this go, I mean at some stage we all like to brag a little about our kids.  You know we do.  And I have done so myself but it's always the good and the bad.  My kids aren't angels.  They are normal children.  They have off days.  They are naughty and nice.  NORMAL CHILDREN, you know?!

And as a normal parent I don't judge.  As someone who works in earlychildhood I am fairly even keeled.  And I would say that I find the best in every child. 

But this kid.  Fair annoys the shit outta me.  So that's saying something.

What's worse is the parent who, with their rose tinted glasses, doesn't see it. 

Again I'm not perfect.  My kids aren't perfect.  But I swear to you I had to bite my tongue so often I had dents in it before the coversation ended.

Best thing to do is probably just laugh about it so.......

Even more like me!

Well it's been a few days since I felt I had a 'aha' moment and I'll still there.  Which is awesome!

I keep coming back to these feeling about how things should be and they seem really true to myself which is such a great thing for me right now!

Lets here a big WHOOP WHOOP!  okay well maybe just a small WHOOP WHOOP then!  ;-)

I had a weekend away with some friends a couple of weeks ago and brought a very cool sign for my wall, essentially for Master Eight "Imagination is more important than knowledge" but I have since realised that it also speaks to me.  Now every time I see it I feel a certain uplift in my day.

Anyway, with the on coming break of Easter I'm looking forward to some time with my kids and the Farmer and some time to be at home.  Life is a constant rush.  It's becoming clear to me, that if I rush my kids too much we all miss out.

Enjoy the scenery for a while!

Happy Easter!

 

xxx

 

Jane

  

Wonder and Hope.

I've had an unusual day.

Good in the sense that for some reason I feel that I have a place.  And I know that sounds awfully profound but the things I have been stewing on now feel, like they are put to bed.

I met someone today, and perhaps felt like I should be striving to be part of something that this person was.  I was possibly a mild curiosity.  Eager, without resolve, without connections, finance and the potential for those things. 

Keeping in mind, all this was me, thinking/feeling these things.

But surprisingly although put out I have just watched something that has moved me in such a way that I feel like I've hit a note.  A very personal note.

And yes this all sounds very cryptic, and what the hell is she going on about.....I know I know......

But I keep trying to bench mark myself and yes my bar is high and yes that's who I am - but perhaps there is more to the way I do things, that I have just clicked into.

I am truly finding a sense of myself.  And sense is the key word.

This will need to sit with me for a while.  And I will quietly let it play out.

Wonder and Hope.

When it all stops.

Sliding back down into normality after being a part of huge project has finally caught up with me.  The adrenaline has worn of, my immunity has come crashing down and I have spent the best part of the last four days with a tummy bug and it's side effects.

The problem with being physically unwell and still feeling mentally pretty good is that while "resting", I had too much time to think.  This is a bad thing.

I have been reflecting on so many things I'm not even sure where to begin.

Firstly I'm needing to make a few changes. 

I have realised in all my infinite wisdom that being a people pleaser is not great for my well being.  It's nice to be needed but there is a fine line between needed and taken the piss of.  This covers alot of things but relationships that should be two way that aren't.  So heres the kicker.....I'm not going to worry about making the first move and I'm going to say No or at the very least, can I get back to you?

Next to the fray is my love of photography.  I'm never giving it the fair crack it deserves.  And I'm not sure if that's because I haven't got the confidence to keep at it or I'm scared I'll fail on some level.  My gut says to put everything else aside and make it happen.  But can I?

My kids.  My very tolerant, lovable, noisy little rascals.  Why do I do anything I do?  I think that it's for them but somewhere along the way, possibly in people pleasing mode, I missed the boat.  Now that they are both at school I need to get back on board, and start giving back some of the stuff they are needing from me.  Time.

It is possible to be that focused on myself?  To actually try to put me, my family and what I want first?  Do you think anyone gets that?  And if they don't - should I care?

More questions that answers at the moment but I feel like I'm on the right track.  Is this the first step of When I grow up?

Leaving a legacy

I wonder some times what my kids, friends, family will remember about me when I'm gone (and I'm talking after I've been booted out of the rest home I've booked into with my friend Sarah for my final resting place at 120 years of age.....)

Will it be how clean my house was?  Very unlikely.  Will it be the all the hours that I worked?  Will it be my wardrobe?  How often my hair was cut?  What about the car I drive?  What I made for tea or the presents I gave?

I hope that they will remember the silly stuff.  The wet you knickers laughing over the funny things.  The 'Ruh roh' moments in life where you laugh or you'll cry.  The memories taken on a camera, transferred into scrapbooks.  The memories that can't be taken away - learning how to read, draw, dance, bake, laugh at yourself, and be all that you can be. 

I'm not entirely sure what got me thinking about this but I guess I was reflecting on who I am as a person.  And how the things I do whether it is for my kids, a friend, my family or the farmer have no hidden agenda. 

There is a lot of 'social climbing' in the world.  And to be fair it's something I've never brought in to.  I've often talked about I'm just me, take it or leave it, but what does that translate to when your gone?

Certainly it's unlikely to be high status, riches or a nation wide funeral!

And that's okay. 

You reap what you sow.  And with all the important relationships in life it's very true. 

It seemed to dawn on me most recently when I realised that even if the kids got a telling off at bed, they still love me the next day.  That the things I do with/for them are bigger than that.  And they are at an age when they perhaps understand.  I know that will change over their teens but it's a storm we can weather!

I am super grateful for all I have, all I do, and all I will do in my life. 

I am super grateful for all the people who help me with that. 

I hope that the legacy I leave will show that, with a heap of memories, in flurry of laughter and of course a couple of wines.

But you'll have to wait an awfully long time to see if I'm right!

Thank you friends!

Gosh what a week!

It's been up, down and all over the place!

Miss Five started school - all going swimmingly apart from the fact I miss having her about.
Master Eight has had to deal with stink arse friends - but is doing well.
The Fundraising effort we have been working on has been great, horrid and then awesome.
My house seems like a tip - beginning to be like this alot.
Life is back into a routine - and I'm now missing the holidays..........

I think the only thing holding me together this week is my friends. 

You have the friends that email with an outstanding quote that hits the nail on the head in my search for "what I want to be when I grow up"

Then there is the friend that returns an email I sent late and night and tells me that I should be going to bed earlier or I'll get sick. Bless.

The friend that sends Miss 5 a text to wish her a great day at school - which she loved!

The friend that will quite literally take a stink job off my hands and think about canning a holiday to help the cause (not going to happen girlfriend!)

The 'think about things' a different way and offer some outstanding solutions while offering to help with whatever she can, because she can - friend.

The friends that make you laugh, even at yourself.  But mostly along with you.

And of course the Farmer.

The Farmer who helps by putting up signs and picking up the slack.  Tolerating my absent mindedness.  The extra glass of vino required on that really sucky day, especially as he's not drinking.

There is alot to be said for the love that friends give, in whatever way, on whatever day for whatever cause.  And I am blessed with many. 

Thank you friends.  You know who you are.  You know that I love you.  And you WILL remind me to shut my mouth when I have any more really good ideas.

x x Jane x x