The Firsts

 The stuff that creeps up on you is the firsts.

The First Father's Day.

My First birthday without Dad.

The first family gathering with Dad's Sisters and Brothers.

And soon the First Christmas.

And I'm dreading it.

I love Christmas.  Go all out, full noise, Christmas music, decorations, the giving of gifts and all the trimming from beginning of December.

But not this year.

My daughter is my Christmas fairy and she's done a great job of making the house festive and trying to get us all on board.  My heart isn't in it.  In fact if I could just fast forward till Boxing Day I'd be so pleased.

It's also tough as my Father is law is losing his battle with a brain tumour.  His visit to hospital is bringing it all back like a freight train thundering down the tracks at me.  And I didn't even go to see him in hospital.  

The idea of going between houses tinged with grief isn't appealing.  I wish I could just stay at home and be close to my family but even then it can't be chased away.  It's sitting like the elephant in the room, pressing on my chest and it takes all my strength to focus away from it.  Even if it's mind numbing jobs, tv show, jigsaw....anything but feeling it. 

Honestly I'm not sure how I'm going to manage.  One wine might turn into five.  Not ideal.  I guess we will just have to tough it out and hope I'm not a mess at the end of the day.  

2 more sleeps.  I hope I'm strong enough.