Doing stuff you'd rather not do.

There are things you have to do in life, that quite frankly suck.

I could list a number of examples but today is really just about one. 

My Dad's oldest brother, is dying of Cancer.  Of all my Uncles he is probably the one I feel I know the least, probably due to the age gap of Dad and him.  Mum and Dad told me he had lost alot of weight and a huge part of me didn't want to see him because I wanted to remember him for the guff, big man that I know him as.

However Mum and Dad are away and they really wanted my sister and I to go and see him.  I had been mentally bracing myself and finally the day arrived. 

The Uncle that I know is still there....just tucked away.  I saw glimpses of his humor, his guff way and no nonsense manner.  In and out of knowing whats going on, we were able to have a conversation of sorts.  I tend to waffle at the best of times but today I wanted to fill the room with my random thoughts, stories and take away some of the indignity of being ill. 

The flowers I took did so little to cheer the room and you wonder that from a life full of things, a home full of memories how you can end up in a small room waiting to die.  I really hated the idea of him being alone in there.  I know he'll have visitors on and off but with day time TV on, not moving from bed and not wanting to eat or drink company is probably all he wants.  In saying that perhaps he doesn't.  Maybe that's me just projecting my concern on to the situation.

Grief is a such a personal thing and perhaps I didn't want to see him, because then it's not real.  But it is and I'm devasted about it.  Possibly as it's a reality check.  Age and illness catches up with everyone.  No one lives forever.

I didn't want to go today.  But you do things because you need to.  I did need to do this.  I hope I have more empathy, more love, more compassion because of it.  I hope that peace comes to my Uncle.  For him to know that he is loved, will always be loved, that as a family we will do our best to look after my Aunty and all the family he leaves behind.

I hope after reading this that you tell people that you know and care for, that you love them.  It's important they know.