Today we said goodbye to my Uncle Colin.
I was as mentally prepared as I would ever be for this. But to see my Dad, my strong, manly father lose himself to grief very well broke my heart.
As normal for most emotional events there was a lovely spread of food and beverages. I choose beverages. The brown and bubbly sort. I felt that I could deal with things better with a beer in hand.
But as the day grew on, I felt more and more lost to my feelings of grief. Possibly beyond my Uncle. Closer to home even. And it didn't matter much I tried to cover with a reassuring smile or how hard I laughed or the 2nd glass of wine, I haven't been able to shake this feeling.
I know what it is, this grief thing. I feel it. And I let myself be taken by it. But I don't think you stop thinking about the what the 'what if's'.
Certainly today I realise I can't cover it. I certainly can't mask it. And alcohol isn't a plaster for it.
I have to feel it. And that's okay. I'm sad. For lots of reasons. I'm sad for my Dad. He's lost his brother. I'm sad for our family. I'm sad for me because no one lives forever, and that in itself put it in perspective.
The thing that cheers me no end is that tomorrow is another day. That my children still need their Mum and that's my job. To be there for them and keep going.
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