Out the other side

So it's been a while since my last post.  And literally it feels like it's taken that long for me to feel 100%.

But I'm back.  And although I will be sensible (not really my thing) I hope to be back up to my usual busy life - taking photos, catching up with friends, chilling with my family and of course ogling my Johnny Depp calendar.

So not much to report right now.  Just going to share a photo i took the other day and will endeavour to get back to my blogging when I have something of substance to say!

Not bouncing back.

Okay so I've been sick.  And the work thing about being sick is not being in control.  There I've admitted it, I'm a control freak.  I'm all about the planning.  And last week I had a number of plans to visit people, do things, have some time out with my daughter, clean my house (note where that came in the list of priorities) and getting myself sorted before school holidays.

Insert Group A streptococcal infection here.

Me, knocked on my arse quite literally all week.  And you know what I tried to keep going.  But I failed, miserably.

So a week later.  Still have a sore throat.  Still tired.  House still needs cleaning.  And ta da.....it's school holidays.

All the kids want is time with me. All I want is to lie on the bed and rest. Perhaps read a book. You can see where things come a little unstuck. 

Hence my game plan:   Take each day as it comes.  Very radical idea for me.

Try and do stuff with the kids, keep on top of the washing and perhaps clean one part of the house each day.  We've already had multiple offers for visits/play dates and at this stage I'm unlikely to commit.  I seriously don't have the energy to think 2 days ahead of myself. 

And here is the bit about 'not bouncing back'.  Could it be....AGE?  Nah surely not.  But I am wondering if I am not the only one in this.  Perhaps the collective group of super Mum's I know are the same?!  Sigh. 

Thankfully I have had the Farmer on tap this week.  He's done a great job of children collection, food organising (if you ask Master 7 about this he'll just tell you about the takeaways!) and he has been patient with his ailing wife.

Stay tuned for the 2 weeks of school holidays which will be fantastic!  (You may note the slightly forced tone.)

Doubt.

I've composed a number of posts recently, and posted none of them.

Not sure why I'm all of sudden reluctant to voice my views. 

A part of me thinks it might be doubt.

Doubt of my abilities.  Not necessarily of my expectational abilities to write this often thought provoking highly intellectual blog.  Snigger snigger. 

But of my person, I guess.

It's been a ridiculous couple of weeks.  And I can't see an improvement for the next wee while.  I'm hoping to get a bit of down time, a day maybe two to just recharge a bit.  Remind myself who I am, what I'm doing and why.  Take a couple of deep breaths and keep on trucking.  I'm sure that I will then be able to kick that doubt a paddock or so from me to and move on.

And if that fails I will jump on a plane and stalk Johnny Depp till I feel back to normal. :-)

Ahh sorted.  Simple really.

Making changes

It's a funny thing, making changes. 

You know it's right but in the time leading up to the inevitable you doubt yourself, your motives, your reasoning.......other people add their opinions and you doubt yourself more!

With one day left of the job I've been doing for well over 2 years now I had expected to feel something more.  Yes I will miss watching the children develop, encouraging their learning/play and growing has been amazing.  However I guess there is just a quiet sense of relief at the moment.

Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe next week when things settle I'll be able to articulate myself better.

For now it's a chapter just about to close.  I'm wondering what the next chapter holds.

Older than his years.

Master 7 never fails to blow me away.

Of late his room has looked alot like a small bomb went off.  Normal 7 year old boy stuff I assume.  But I want to put the responsibility on his shoulders to tidy it up.  I have enough to do without picking up after him and with the prospect of pocket money in the near future for him I feel that he needs to pull his socks up, so to speak.

Anyway, on his 'I'm finished' room inspection I ended up sitting down having a chat with him.

"Honey, how about you put that box back in the recycling huh?"
"But Mum you said you would make a tank with me"
"But Love I just don't have time right now"
"Mum, you promised"
"Don't you think that your room has enough junk in it already?"
"Mum your stopping my creativity"

Shocked silence.

"Remember you made me throw out my castle, that I made?"

More silence.

"But you never played with it?"
"YES I did."

Thoughtful silence.

"I'm very sorry, Master 7.  I have stopped your creativity.  I didn't think of it that way before.  Lets take some other things out of your room so you have space to display your creations"

"Thanks Mum"

Oh my goodness me.  Talk about a kid being today in tune with the world.  Master 7 has a wisdom beyond his years.  He reminds me of the things I know I should be doing/encouraging (with a fair dollop of guilt). 

I've just finished reading a book on ways of discovering your "Element".  Sometimes our school lives don't give us enough guidance to find it and I wanted to be sure to encourage that with my kids.  But apparently I have got caught up in the age old nagging to keep things tidy, without thinking about who my child really is. 

And Master 7 has always been one for creating, making and thinking. 

I need to remember to nurture this.  Celebrate him for who he is.  And give him the room to discover his "element."

Love you kiddo xx

Feeling like my head is going to explode...

No it's not the world's largest pimple, nor a life threatening brain tumour  - it's just life!

I'm constantly 10 steps in front of where I need to be and my mental hard drive appears to be full so my memory is shot, my logic is random and my sleeping isn't so flash!

It doesn't help that I feel like I've mentally almost "checked out" of my job, with the list of "when I'm finished work" ever growing and becoming a full time job in itself.

I have so much going on I'm not sure how to unwind!

And, shockingly, wine isn't very helpful.

Oh. My. God.

Who is this person who has taken over my life and where the hell is JANE?!

Thankfully I had recharged my batteries with a glorious Mothers Day, much thanks to the Farmer, otherwise I would probably have been carted off in a padded van now.


So, in trying to focus I'm allowing myself 5 minutes to hash out a blog post (always makes me feel better) then am going back to work (playing with small people, cars and play dough is semi therapeutic) and will pour quite possibly luke warm coffee down my pie hole in an effort to regain some sanity.


If you don't read any more posts for a while, it's likely I'm having a rest at the home for the "Mothers who have lost the plot" - reservations not essential.

Why WASN'T I dreaming about Johnny Depp?!

Okay so I had this really weird dream the other night.

Do you remember Doug Penhall (Peter De Luise) from 21 Jump Street?

Let me jog your memory:

On the right people.....!!!

Anyway SO I have this dream and 'Doug' is in it.  Giving me a hug................no not THAT sort of hug, like a nice "wrap you up in big cuddly arms" hug.  And I woke up from it and initially thought, well that was nice.

However the issue at hand is WHY wasn't I dreaming about Johnny Depp?!!  Does this meaning I'm cheating on him?!!  I think so.  What a trollop.  Sigh.

Anyway, the dream could be a wee reminder for me to hug the Farmer more.  So that's what I'll do. 

Just the girls...

It's just me and Miss Four.  Whoop whoop!

The men folk have hit the road, heading to the Farmers parents farm in search of ducks.  Not my scene.  Thankfully Miss Four had a birthday party to attend so we are  having a girlie weekend.

Last night after dumping our things after a long day, we blobbed.  We picked a DVD.  We got some corn chips. And we hung out.  We did a bit of dancing (think I pulled a muscle in my butt....).  We had scrambled eggs for tea.  And after Miss Four was in bed....I did NOTHING.  No dishes.  No folding washing.  NOTHING.

Awesome!  Why don't I do that more?!

Anyway today, there will (unfortunately) be the need to do some jobs.....but I am hereby promising to turn the computer off as soon as I have finished this post, only do what really needs to be done and spend some time with my baby girl.

We might garden.  We might draw.  We might play cards.  We might bake.  Who knows!

But what I do know is I'm going to relax and enjoy my daughter before she grows up and thinks that spending a weekend with Mum is 'naff''.

Love you  Miss Four xx

 

A weight of my shoulders

So the decision is partly made.  I am giving up my in home child care to consider, with full intent, the prospect of study.  Or something else.  Who knows whats going to happen?!

And my goodness it truly feels like a weight of my shoulders.

I don't think I'll be any less busy but perhaps I will be a better parent, friend, daughter and wife.  Perhaps I will get to do things that have been needing to be done since we moved in.  Perhaps I will feel like a normal human being......nah unlikely!

This decision has been weighed up, with months of worry, the feeling that I have (am) letting people down, that I have somehow failed.  However since I have made this decision the overwhelming support I have had is more than huge.  It's enormous.  And really moving.

I am blessed with some special people in my life that see where I'm going.  That have possibly got more faith in me than I have in myself.

I am blessed with a husband who is tolerant, kind, loving and accepting.

And for my kids who when I told them about it and why I felt I wanted to stop and that I felt that they might be missing out on Mummy at the moment, told me how much they loved me and gave me cuddles.  Lets just say there was tears.

I will leave you with this...............

Life choices!

So last week I was sitting in the sun, chatting with a friend about what lay ahead for me.  To study and become an Early childhood teacher or not.

It plays heavily on my mind which to choose.  And the more I think about the more confused I find myself!

I'd given myself till June....all the while awaiting for life's to send me a sign....a lightning bolt.  So far I've had a few electric shocks prodding me down the study road but is that enough?

With all major life choices in life there should always be a pro and con list.....this is my thoughts on it so far:

PRO's for Early childhood teaching:
- Maybe possible to work locally
- Good to have 'trained' in a profession
- I'm good at it
- I enjoy it
- Always wanted to make a difference in the world, perhaps nurturing wee people is that way
- could use to become a PORSE programme tutor if I didn't like centre work

CON's:
- 3 years study - HUGE commitment
- Financial cost of studying for 3 years
- increased pressure on family
- not sure I'm interested in working in a large childcare centre - hours, school holidays etc
- could kill my social life!!

And I still need to factor in that I'm chief housekeeper, child carer, cook and organiser into the equation......

The whole reason I started this blog was to decide what I wanted to be when I grow up.  36 years old, you would think I would have a clue by now but alas no.  I've "fallen" into alot of things during my journey and I always give them 110%.  Does that mean this is the right thing for me?  And if it isn't then what is?

FRICK FRICK FRICK!

Feel free to suggest, comment or give advice!

Is the grass greener?!